You Suck by Christopher Moore

Author:Christopher Moore [Moore, Christopher]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9788498004113
Amazon: 849800411X
Publisher: Bill
Published: 0101-01-01T08:00:00+00:00

17 – Being the Chronicles of

AbbyNormal:

Newly Baptized Minion of the Children

of the Night

Bow before me, skeezy mortals, for now I see you for the pathetic little rodents that you are. Scurry before my dazzling darkness, daysters, for I am your mistress, your queen, your goddess-I have been brought into the fold-I am Abigail Von Normal, NOSFERATU, bitches!

Sort of.

OMG. It was so fucking cool-like coming twice with Skittles and a Coke. I was in the loft, spacing into my jams on my MP3 player. I had downloaded the latest Dead Can Dub CD (Death Boots Badonka Mix) at the Starbucks and it was totally transcendent. I was transported to an ancient Romanian castle, where everyone had done X and was dancing totally chill and sensuous (with perfect hair). I was grinding a free-form booty dance on the armchair-perfecting my dance gestalt-when I saw some smoke coming in under the door. (I can’t wait to dance with Jared to this new CD. He’s so going to love this move I do. That’s what I love about dancing with gay guys. If they get wood during a booty dance, you can just take it as a compliment, not an agenda. Jared said that if I was a guy, he would totally suck my dick. He can be so sweet.) So I pulled out one of my headphones and I was like, “Whoa, fire in the staircase-sucks to be me.”

There’s only one exit, so, you know, blackened Abby coming up.

But the smoke formed into a pillar, and then it started growing arms and legs. When I saw it had eyes I ran into the bedroom and shut the door. I wasn’t trippin’ or anything, just totally calm. But it wasn’t like when your friends hold your hair while you puke and tell you it’s just the drugs and you’ll be okay-so I went for the safe thing of locking the door so I could assess the situation. Then the door just ’splodes into splinters and there’s the Countess, totally naked, standing in the doorway with the knob in her hand. And she was totally hot, except that her legs were all fucked up, like they were burned or rotted or something.

So I’m all, “You totally wrecked your deposit.”

And the Countess like grabs my hair and pulls me to her and bites my neck, just like that. It didn’t really hurt-it was more surprising-like you woke up from getting a root canal to find your dentist going down on you. Well, not exactly like that-more mystical. But still, surprising. (Okay, it hurt, but not as much as the time Lily tried to pierce our nipples with a compass from geometry class and an ice cube. Youch!) She smelled like burning meat, and I tried to push her away, but it was like my limbs were paralyzed or there was a fat guy sitting on me-like I was buried alive or something, just watching it happen. And then I started to get light-headed and I thought I was going to pass out.

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